Little Girl Lost

Growing up without a father is hard whether your a girl or boy but I think its especially tough on a daughter. I remember being around 13 growing up in Baltimore City and missing my father. None of my best friends had there dads either but we all dealt with it in different ways. Two of my friends Jessica and Michelle became sexually active, searching for love in the arms of the opposite sex. Stephanie dropped out of school determined to be the bad ass of the group. I was no angel but I stayed from having sex simply because I was scared to. I couldnt drop out of school because my mother wouldve beat my ass. I knew not having my dad around affected my mom but not in the way you would think. It wouldve been a lot of pressure off my mom to get me the things I needed. In high school I was very active in extracurricular activities. My mom wanted me to excel not only in school but outside of school as well. I can remember my mom being at every game, every uniform fitting and every event that I asked her to come to. I also remember every event that my dad missed. As I got older I learned to just live with the short comings of my dad but I have no connection to him now. When I think about how a man should be, my dad doesnt pop up. For a long time I didnt want to have kids, because I wouldnt want their father to disappoint them the way my father did me. As an adult I know I can do anything I put my mind to only because my mother supported & encouraged my dreams. If I wanted to design a car that could fly she would encourage me to do exactly that. I have no memories of my father encouraging me to do anything but join the army. Can u imagine me in the army!?! I have ZERO desire to join the army but he still pushes that idea onto me. My dad has no idea about who I am as a person which I believe is very sad. I would think one of the joys of having a child is opening their eyes and their world to the secrets of life. Recently during an argument my dad told me "At this Age, Im not concerned with being a good parent". I was like and you wonder why I dont have any respect for you. During that same argument he went on to explain that at 23 I should be living on my own. Which is something I agree, however when a person, no matter the age, moves back home its because they have no choice, to save money or both. I moved back in with the man (dad) because it was my last choice. Even in the event of saving money, 'dad' still enforced me paying 'rent'. Like WTF? U would think I could get a break but nope. The final straw came a few days ago. I start classes in about 2 weeks, however my beloved laptop has crashed!!! (RIP) So because of my dads job (He gets a discount) I asked him if he would buy it for me and Id pay him back. But I asked him for the favor about 4 months after complaining about my old one. No he didnt volunteer! Anyway so I picked out the one I wanted and I thought everything was good. So after a few days I text him asking him if my computer was on the way. He tells me he has call them back to confirm. So ok then maybe three days later I text him again. This time he replies Dell has to speak to me first. At this point Im extremely pist off because he is giving me the run around. So while at work I call his cellular phone. I ask him whats the problem but instead of being honest with me he tries to continues to bullsh!t me. So I just get fed up and tell him I dont want or need his help. I want to curse him out but I vaguely remember Im at work so I dont. I only asked because he was my last option. It seems since I was a little girl my father has ALWAYS found a way to disappoint me. Sometimes I used to watch television and pretend the good tv dads were my dad. Im just blessed to have had a mother would loved me with her whole heart. She loved me so much that I didn't have to search the streets for love, I knew I had it at home.

-Tristan J