I See you.

  So I have this annoying habit of trying to see the good in everyone, the person they would like to be. Unfortunately, that's one of my biggest flaws. I disregard who the person is and focus on who they, as they have told me, would like to become. I've met the men who were assholes, who wanted to be better, specifically more than what they were. I've met the prideful men who knew how they were but desperately wanted to make "a change". 

 As I've come to learn all these words are just that. Words! There is hardly ever any action to go along with what's been discovered about themselves. Why is that, I asked myself tonight? Well why changed when I'm only going to see the change you want to make and what's there. I'm growing // changing to recognize ppl for who they are and accepting that version of them. I know it only hurts me in the long run to think a man is going to do any different. 

 I don't want to be with a fixer upper, I want one that's already in control, and knows which version of himself that wants to be with me. 

Tristan J.

That Moment

It's happened. That moment where your boyfriend tells you he's no longer attractive to you because you've gained weight. Did I cry my eyes out? Yes. Never did I think I would be in a situation where someone would say that to me especially someone who "loves" me. However he did! 

The first thing that comes to my head is "ok well you don't look as you did when I met you however you don't see me complaining". But then it's like why haven't I been complaining? Why did I accept his deflated body when I knew I fell for something completely different? Don't I deserve the best of anyone? But that's not even the issue, if he felt like I wasn't taking what he was saying serious why not put action to it? Simply meaning, why not invite me to his gym? Maybe I can't make it to my own on my own but if I had, lets say a boyfriend to be that initial push well then maybe I could finally drop the pounds. I love when someone points out your flaws but do absolutely nothing in helping to make you a better person. 

It could've been his delivery that made me cringe versus what he actually said. 

Either way, my tears were not in vain. I will lose the weight and then I'll rid myself of him. Permanently. 

-TJ

I'm back!

It's taken some time for me to really decide if I was going to get back into writing but with all the craziness that goes on in my day to day life, I desperately needed an outlet! So why deny myself the opportunity to share my feelings, and mostly my issues with you? 

I've always respect the singer Monica. I saw, and still do, her as my sistergirl. She was an older, wiser friend who had been through all the things I would eventually go through and she would be able to help me navigate through life sh*t. So here I am! I'm not perfect and never aspire to be, however I do aspire to be the best version of myself. So welcome on my journey to happiness... It's somewhere between Chicago and Law school, but wherever it leads to I'm sure it's going to be an adventure. 

-Tristan J

Currently Reading...

This book was a really good read! Im hoping there's a sequel already out because I've grown so fond of the characters!

T

Wedding Attire!

Mother's Day?

There are times when I read things online that gives me reason for pause. I'm human just like you however I have never felt the need to make myself out to be more than what I am. Please have confidence but don't pretend that your doing this this and this and in reality you arent doing a thing.

While reading facebook today I had to laugh because a 'friend' was complaining about the things she's done for her child but I know personally she hasnt done much. However when she writes these long rants about her life, I most times want to write back and say "who are you fooling?" But I dont. I guess people have to do more to make their lives feel like something. As for me, I will continue to be myself and keep it all the way real as much as I can!

-T

Surprise... Here's a bouquet

My wonderful boyfriend surprised me last night with a bouquet of assorted flowers and they smelled divine! Isnt he amazing? -T

Currently Reading...

By now everyone should know Im a nerd at heart and would rather curl up in bed with a good book than be outside doing anything else. I usually go thru five to six books a week but since I have to read for school that number has dwindled down to about three books per week, however if a book is REALLY good, I can usually finish it in a day! SO without much more delay, here's what Im currently reading,

In my head, Lauren Conrad is my best friend! Seems scary but I promise you I'm no stalker. I just related to her from her days in reality tv, she was the girl you wanted to succeed. And ever since, I've always tried to support the things she does including reading her books which are really a decent read. Trust me, have I ever steered you wrong?

Starting here?

What am I going to do now?

I'm not sure If I should delete every posting I made before today simply because that's the past BUT its kinda my 'diary' of the years before. I've always been an open book so I don't personally have anything to hide and If I did I wouldnt write about it. However I do go back and read some of the earlier things written and I'm like is that me? -T

Psst, Over here.

Hey folks,
Can I say I'm back? Not really. I mean Im goin to start out not making any more promises I know I will not be able to keep. So Im just going to say I'll do the best I can with keeping you updated with my life.

School is GREAT! I adore being back in school doing what I love, which is learning. I have such a thirst for knowledge, that to be back in my element is a breath of fresh air. My current classes are Afro Studies 2, Art, Humanity and Literature 2, and Women in Muslim World, Im doing excellent in the first two but the last not so well. And it has nothing to do with my writing, the professor is a douche, so if your not one of her favorites then its whatever for you. I havent decided if I'm going to drop the course or keep it. However If I dont get a grade that I want then its going to drop my GPA so decisions, decisions.

My friendships? eh! Not enough time or 'paper' to get into now but soon.

Well work is def calling my name so let me do the job I get paid for but stick around, I'll make it entertaining.

-T

What goes around. . .

Sometimes im not sure how I should feel. How long should I be upset that things are falling apart? Is there even a time limit? I hate feeling sorry for myself so I give myself a grieving period. However lately the days have been merging into each other so im not sure how much longer my grieving period should last. One thing I can say is im sick, so so so so sick of feeling down and out. I want and need it to be over. I so want to b my happy, go lucky self and sooner than later.
It just sucks to have the feeling that nobody is there for me. Or the few that are don't really want to be there but they just doing it. U know just cuz. If u don't want to be here and be happy and willing then don't do me no favors. I mean it. At the end of the day I will always be ok, im a survivor and I've made it this far on my own so I have no doubts that ill b alright in the long run.
Im just ready to get my happy back.

Happy Dead Beat's Day

Fathers day is coming up and Im questioning myself if I should call my piece of shit father. I havent decided as of yet. We havent spoken in months so I dont really feel the need to call and say anything. And isnt Fathers Day recognition to the father who are actually in their kids lives? I mean I would think they should be recognized if they are doing something and he isnt. When I needed a father he wasnt there. Pride is a powerful thing! SMFH!

Then his birthday is two days later so Im really wondering If I should call. I dont have a problem with him just dont want to be bothered with him u know. Im content with not talking to him. So this phone call isnt like lets be friends, lets work out the problems simply because Ive done that before and he just doesnt give a fuk so I dont feel the need to try again.

Decisions Decisions.

Fun Times

Shit its really been almost three months to the day since I last wrote. WTF is going on with me? I mean yea for a while I could only write depressing works and I really wasnt in a place where I wanted to share that. Im tooo... everything! I def always seem to share more than what Im supposed to so consider this me scaling back. (shrugs shoulders)

I've been wanting to write for the past week but was too lazy to actually pick up my laptop for more than anything other than indulging in tv shows and movies that I've downloaded who know how long ago. Like today I spent several hours watching season two and three of United States of Tara. Yup just sitting & laying my ass on the couch. Is this what my life has been reduced to? I feel like Im without purpose. I've always been without a plan, just winging it. But now Im feeling like Im just walking around aimlessly.

So much shit is going on. Like If I told u I would feel embarassed. Maybe humilated? Idk Its so fucking frustrated dealing with the shit I have to deal with mostly because its in part because someone (not me) didnt handle their business and do what was needed. Ahhh thats neither here or there, whats done is done. So the motto is keep moving forward right? Then thats what I'll do.

I def need to revamp my blog. Turn it into something I can be proud of again but I just havent been in the mood to do more than just look at it. I remember a time when I was excited to share my world with you all but lately I've been blah. Blame it on work! On not being motivated at all!

Im really feeling like a move is def in order. Opening my Nail Bar has been on my mind lately so Im thinking of going to Miami for a lil while to scout locations as to where I would even put it. I fell in love with MIA a long time ago but I cheated on her with Los Angeles. So maybe now is the time to give her a second chance?

Time will tell.

-TJ

Silly You.

I dont understand why humans do the stupid things that they do. I thought I made it perfectly clear that I will not hesitate to delete you. Im not going to tolerate bullish anymore. I dont know what else or how else I can explain myself. Im not going thru the same bull that I went thru with my ex, If thats the case, then I can go and get back with him.

Im not giving up on love just giving up on the crap that comes with it. In the past week alone, I've meet a few dudes and ALL of them are full of sh!t. So Im going back to doing me, which includes focusing on ONLY me!

-xoxo