I Gotta Getaway (Mobb Deep)

I can totally understand why someone would want to take their own life. Even though I have already been down that path, it wouldn't be so hard to revisit it. As mad as I am that my first love committed suicide, I sometimes want to take the easy way out and follow in his footsteps. LIFE can be a real B!TCH! I feel so alone, and unloved. Like Im trying my best not to cry since Im at work but I may have to duck into the bathroom. I've been putting up this wall, like the sh!t that has been going on doesn't bother me. You can never let them see you sweat, never let them have the satisfaction that what they're saying/doing actually has an affect on you. So for weeks, I've been smiling and laughing and doing all the things I would normally do. Just to show that on the outside, the eff up things you do, dont bother me. However inside Im dying. I mean Im human and I can only take but so much as well, but Im going to continue to keep this wall up until my time is done at this job.

Im just feeling so alone and I dont know how to pick myself back up. I havent been out in a few days because I was starting to feel like I needed to have a drink just to maintain. I didnt/dont want to end up like my uncle (He has a drinking problem). I dont want to feel like I cant accomplish anything unless Im intoxicated! Yes getting drunk helps to rid me (mentally) of my current issues, but just like clock work them suckers come right back (mentally) I've also been thinking about the whole LA thing and Maybe thats NOT where Im supposed to be. Right now Im in the process of selling most of my clothes and shoes for extra money and less baggage. I was also contemplating just getting on a bus to wherever and going state to state and writing! I mean yea technically I would be homeless but I get excited thinking of all the stories that would be able to come out of that.

I stay wishing my mother was here! Fukc!

-TIFFANY/TRISTAN